Hi everyone,
I’m sure I did not come up with the term “e-communicating,” but – in my mind – I would like to think that I did and if you have followed my blog, you know that when it comes to e-communicating (texting, e-mailing, chatting & FB) as it relates to dating, I am not a fan. My stance on the topic has always been that people are not necessarily their authentic selves via these forms of communication… This is not something they do knowingly, but – more often than not – they are way bolder (usually far more flirtatious & forward) than they would be on the phone or in-person… Most of us are much more comfortable when we are able to write our thoughts than we would be if we had to say them out loud.
If you have been reading my blog for some time now, you also know that I am not a fan of being asked out via text (that doesn’t mean I have never gone out on a date where I have been asked out via text) and that I don’t accept friend requests from guys I met out at a bar (you know, the ones who get your full name and phone #, but their next “move” is to become your FB friend…) The reason I don’t add guys that I’m interested in or who seem interested in me on Facebook is so that if we were to actually meet up in person, we’d actually have to ask each other questions and “date” like people did in the good ol’ days. You know… when they used to ask questions like “where’d you grow up?… do you have any siblings?… where’d you go to school?… where do you work?… have you traveled lately” versus conversations that proceed like this “I read on FB that… I saw on FB that…”
Also, I don’t mind getting a text or two (I don’t literally mean “only two”) from a guy, but I’m personally not a fan of getting into lengthy back and forth text conversations although I have certainly taken part in many of them (which makes me just as guilty since I never put an end to the texts by calling myself). & while we are on the topic, anyone who has done online dating is pretty much guaranteed to have had at least one experience where they e-communicate at length with someone and feel like they have a great connection with that person only to meet them sometime in the future and feel zero connection whatsoever.
Since I have posted on this topic before I know that many of you are going to tell me to “get with the times,” that I’m “too demanding” or something to that effect, & I am okay with that. If a person who is seriously looking and supposedly seriously interested in me, can’t muster up the guts to call me after taking my # or simply doesn’t have the time to pick up the phone and call or meet up in person, then so be it.
Having said all that, I do think that e-communicating is great for accentuating (supplementing or whatever the right word would be) an in-progress relationship that already has some substance to it.
Well, that is my 10 cents on the topic, and the reason I decided to write this post today was this article “From Texts to Sex” in the Red Eye Chicago. Two fellow South Asians were quoted in the post (both with opposing views) and one of them is my dear friend and dating coach, Bela Gandhi, whose viewpoint I strongly agree with.
The post is a quick read with some really interesting stats including one about how e-communicating gets people to hit the sheets faster than they normally would have without it, and I’d love to hear what you think about the topic!
Thanks for reading and write soon,
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw
p.s. – I’m sure there are a million articles on the topic but the “Queer Guy who tells it Straight” popped up (& he’s from Chicago), so I’m going with his 2 posts on the topic. The one about “SEXTING” and I-phone users is pretty funny. “Text Dating is for Lazy People” and “Let’s talk about Sex…Texting!!!“
4 Comments
Honestly, I don’t mind text/facebook in the initial stages. It helps me determine if I would actually like to invest more time in the guy. If a guy I met flat out asks me out, I am reluctant to go out on a date or give him my number, because there are a lot of players, scary guys,indecisive guys etc who will suck up your time.
Texting/ emailing/ facebook is fine in the first few weeks if it helps “melt” the ice rather than “break” the ice. I find it to be a good filter. However the KEY is that it should PROGRESS to talking in person and spending meaningful time together in real life. This progression should happen in a timely manner. If he can’t get past texting, emailing or facebooking after a few weeks, he’s failed the relationship ready test (aka guy is not seriously looking/ needs to grow a pair). You can move on with little emotional investment. I like that scenario better than the “disappear into thin air after 2 months” scenario.
I completely agree with you! I don’t trust randomo men in bars and the chattier they are, they shadier they seem. I can’t say I’ve every been asked out via text or other forms of e-communications (at least not by someone who wasn’t my boyfriend).
And I really cannot be bothered to have texting conversations. If you have something to say to me that’s even remotely important, I think that deserves a phone conversation. My ex used to tell me all the time that he hates talking on the phone and he’s not the only guy. Apparently we women go on and on over the phone. I can’t claim that to be true or false, but c’mon, can’t we stick to conventional modes of communication….or am I just a traditionalist?
I saw this on Shape Magazine’s website and thought it was interesting: //www.shape.com/lifestyle/relationships/sex-life/sex-survey-results-is-your-high-tech-sex-life-normal
Some stats:
– Around 81 percent of you refuse to de-friend your ex on Facebook, and 75 percent admit to placing them under near-constant monitoring.
– 72 percent of you also put your current boyfriend’s former flames on your watch list … just in case they, you know, go on a better vacation, get a cooler haircut, or have a cuter niece than you.
– More than 50 percent of you say you’ve been broken up with—or done the heartbreaking yourselves—via text message.
– Nearly 60 percent of guys say flirting over Facebook, Gchat, and text messages helps them get you into bed sooner.
– When asked, “Would you rather give up your cell phone or sex for a year?”, nearly 80 percent of men said they’d kick their mobiles to the curb in a heartbeat. For the ladies, however, it was a closer contest, with a brutally honest 39 percent voting for the phone.
– Almost 30 percent of you have joined a dating website at some point, but more than half of you who met your boyfriend online won’t admit that fact to other people. (<- something to write about SM because I'm sure that tons more desi people meet online and concoct stories instead of admitting it)
– It only takes one month for most of you to change your relationship status on Facebook when you start a new relationship.
Reading your article, knowing what my girlfriends and I experience/think and now this Shape article makes me feel like all our generation is just a bunch of overly stimulated sexed up horntoads. Smile, I know you pine for the "good ol' days" and I for one am so with you. "E-anything" is not real communication and Im sure adds to the ever sky-rocketing divorce rate because its all fun and games when your flirting is supplemented by FB, text and Skype, but uh ohhhh when the 2 of you have to live in a house together and actually have to communicate.
Thanks ladies for your comments! (I’m assuming that Sharer is a lady b/c Shape is a women’s mag :-P)
@ AnonChick, I guess it really depends on each of our comfort levels & the situation… in what context you met said guy and what kind of initial connection you had with them. For example, I’ve been in this particular situation more times than I can count (seriously, I mean over & over again)… I meet a guy out somewhere (bar, lounge, friend’s place, etc.) who I hit it off with. We spend a good part of the night having great conversation, all the green light “I like you/am curious about you” signals are there on both parts and at the end of the night, when the guy tells me how great it was meeting me, how much fun he had, etc., I don’t think it’s odd at all when he asks me for his # and says that he’d like to meet up again, “take me out sometime” or whatever.
What usually happens more often than not though is that I never hear from the guy again and in the rare chance that I do, I would say that 95% of the time, that the guy will text me, we’ll text back & forth for a bit but then nothing ever transpires beyond that. I’ve found that a lot of guys feel comfortable going on in this back & forth texting forever, at which point I realize that this isn’t going to go anywhere & usually (as awful as this sounds) stop responding or say something polite but that still sends a clear “thanks, nice meeting you, but I won’t be texting with you anymore message” (without actually saying that!). I do realize that I could perhaps give them more of a nudge, but I don’t feel like one should be necessary. I mean… I gave you my # & I engaged in text banter (which include lots of perk & personality. and emoticons :-D) so you shouldn’t be questioning whether I’m interested or not b/c I would hope that most people – as long as they are communicating – are interested.
Personally, I think giving your phone # is a MUST if you’re going to try your luck at this dating thing irrespective of all the crazies, scaries, players or indecisive-types. The first 3 pretty much out themselves as whatever they are relatively quickly. Crazy/scary/both types manage to be inappropriate, off the wall, completely deranged from the get go, but usually even they get a clue & give up when you stop responding. Players are also pretty transparent messaging you at odd hours wanting to meet up at odd times or are over-the-top complimentary/flirtatious. I wouldn’t necessarily write this guy off b/c he might just be coming across that way via text, but at least you have your guard slightly up if he graduates his texts to a call/date. As for indecisive-types, well, I’m sorry to say this but I think that a most girls would agree that it feels like that a good majority of guys fall into this category. I don’t think this is something purposeful or malicious, but it’s definitely a reality of present day dating – we ALL are dating in real life, online or in multiple method, so when the choices feel as easy as a “Next” click or a visit to a different bar indecisiveness is bound to be prevalent. Also, I’m sure people will argue with me on this one, but in addition to the general indecisiveness out there, men in particular are just as easily interested as they are easily distracted.
I also understand that it’s “to each their own” for how much texting they can tolerate. Personally, back & forth text conversation madden me a little bit b/c every *bing* or red light (if I put my phone on silent) manages to distract me again & again from whatever I’m trying to do & eventually I start thinking “hmm.. this is a bit absurd that we are both typing questions to each other versus actually having a conversation” (& even more “ahhh, so absurd” if we’re in the same city & doing this). & Yes, although this dawns on me and soon after starts to irk me, I more often than not do absolutely nothing about it (i.e. – call myself). I know, go me for being so empowered ;-P
I’ll write more on the “disappear into 2 month” scenarios later, but I can give one piece of advice on that (for all the ladies out there & even some guys, but I’m assuming that many are already practicing this) that I’d heard over the past few years, but that really didn’t hit home until meeting my friend (who is this big time dating coach), Bela Gandhi, “keep your dating pipeline full.” Read this is as don’t put all your literal & figurative eggs in one basket and assume that no one you are talking to is exclusively talking to you until they explicitly aren’t.
@not cupid, question for you – if you don’t trust men in bars, should they not trust us b/c we’re there too? & if you’re not meeting them at bars/lounges/nights out with friends, where do you then meet guys that you do trust? that’s not meant to be patronizing, i’m seriously really curious b/c with (if i remember from your blog) ~7 years of age on you, i have yet to figure out really great alternate places to meet quality guys. as for men thinking women talk to much, i hate to break it to you but whether it’s on the phone or in person, women – by the very nature of their sex – are more likely to communicate verbally than you are. if that pains you, well, good luck with that. also, i don’t even think it’s a matter of being traditional or not, i think it’s a matter of a willingness (or lack thereof) to make an effort. in present day dating, most of us want to put in a minimal amount of effort for a maximum amount of reward and we are shocked when our dating behaviors get us the same results over & over again. the ladies know how i feel about our “seeking bad boy but saying otherwise” behaviors & other things i scold the ladies for, so here’s one for the guys when it comes to effort (b/c i truly believe that women are completely willing to make the effort if they are interested, but they are not likely to initiate, but instead reciprocate). for example, i imagine there are lots of guys who wonder why a girl “randomly” stopped texting him back or “for some reason” didn’t accept his FB request, gives up right there & never chooses to use the phone # he bothered getting. it’s sad b/c he was really interested & he just doesn’t get it…
Bah.
K, lastly @Sharer, thanks for sharing! Blog possibilities are infinite when it comes to e-communicating as it relates to dating, so thank you for the additional content. As for what you said about divorce rates, although I have no idea if e-communicating has anything to do with it, I am 100% sure that lack of real communication is the root cause of most divorces.
Thanks all for reading & hope to hear from you again soon!