As I mentioned in my “#DearDesis – The Beginning” post back in January, I am next leveling my sharing of all things related to our (South Asian) community and the impact they have on (at one time, or, at present) “kids” who then grow up to be adults who so deeply struggle to be able to move beyond truly dysfunctional (#notall for those who need it ) parental/community/cultural programming. Please revert to the above post for #allthedisclaimers, but – at this point – I genuinely do not care who I offend. Honestly, it’s kinda the point, because our collectively being “offended” over the profoundly problematic aspects of our culture is absolutely necessary for us to actually move towards things changing because existing as we have for countless generations is simply not working.
How do I know that it is not working? Well, first, because of my own life which I, often in my sharing, offer up as a precautionary tale to spare others from what I experienced (like this sitchu of being held hostage & suffocated after a brief 3-month dating relationship with no love on the table with a sociopath South Asian attorney), and also because – as mentioned in the blog post above – I am in countless South Asian groups where it is so painfully obvious (in particular, by how many people are forced to post anonymously about their unfathomable sufferings) how pervasive some truly dysfunctional, toxic, and harmful “themes” of our culture are.
Today’s theme? DUAL LIVES. MASTER ACTORS. Of all the awful things desi parents/families (as I realize that many are raised in joint families) program their kids with, there is nothing more universal – and, accordingly, harmful – than “log kya sochenge/kahenge” (what will other people think/say). From a very young age, I remember this phrase being used incessantly – in particular, by my mom who (& this will bear repeating for those who will, in *fake outrage*, interpret this as a “betrayal” for me defying the code of silence to “protect the family image”) did the best she could at the level of consciousness she was at (& also based on the programming she received) – to *motivate/inspire* “good/better behavior.” In hindsight, it was a weapon of mass destruction whose unintentional target was my sense of self (self-esteem + self-worth) and my ability to make any kind of decisions outside of the context of how I was perceived by others.
& I am not the only one. I feel comfortable saying that a great majority of desis were raised by this completely toxic “foundational principle.” Hence, we are nearly all living dual lives in which we are master actors who care more about how we appear than what we are. To extrapolate (for the duffers out there), we live ONE life behind closed doors at home (our actual, real lives) and then we live a different (to varying degrees) life outside of our homes for public consumption. There are, literally, kids being controlled, abused, beaten, threatened to be killed (for things like choosing their own life partner), disowned, and experiencing infinite other atrocities inside their homes who then put on their (master actor) “face” for the world. Note (to whichever dear Auntie who is so miserable in her own pathetic life that she will feel so compelled to be fake-*appalled* by my sharing): my personal home experience was not as described right above; however, it was one of deep discord amongst my parents and lots of dysfunction which I was actively told (again & again) to “never tell anyone.” Not my then best friend (who I finally told at 27, but had known since I was 4), and I was even coached to never share about “our family things” with my “future life partner” because they would inevitably be used against me.
So what did I do? I (again, none of this was remotely conscious) became an Oscar-worthy actress from a very young age (I’m talking as soon as I had access to language). My parents could massively get into it one moment, and, the very next, we would all be welcoming people into our home for a “function” (or attending one) with big smiles on our faces. Very believable smiles because – as we should all know from life experience – a smile is truly the easiest thing to fake. Another note: if I look back at my childhood and teen to college years, I would have described them as “happy,” because 1) I was too unevolved/basic/trifling to know the difference (I can blame my upbringing for that, &, sure it contributed, but I prefer to own it as my own in order to make forward movement), & 2) I was able to disassociate from my home life (again, at a very young age), compartmentalize and fully make my life all about school, my personal interests, and friends. The interesting thing about that stage of life is that it is so task-oriented – especially as a South Asian who is made to believe that life is nothing more about pleasing one’s parents via performing (again, as a master actor) and delivering “outcomes/results” – and that, too, in such a linear manner that it is very easy to distract oneself with all there is to “get done” (good grades, entry into a good college, good degree, good job, good life partner and, overall – as almost universally used as a measure of – a “good life”). Of course, all of these things are valued only as much as they are worthy of being bragged about to our parents’ peers, because, shoot, if not, did said-perceived-by-the-individual-“kid” accomplishment really even happen?
For those who knew me, I was “killing it” by every one of the above measures straight through the end of college. I never went through any awkward phases growing up, had tons of (mixed-ethnicity) friends, was broadly well-liked and would (as absurd as this word is) be considered “popular” in every phase of school life, was very socially confident/had no problem asserting myself (I ran for President of a new club as a sophomore against a senior in high school, and won… I ran for President of my class at Boston University and won… I was Secretary & Vice President of India Club in college), was super cultural (I danced – including performing at plentiful family functions – from 6 years old through college where nearly every one of my group’s dances would be the grand finale of each and every India Club show), and I got excellent grades/”marks.” In fact (dear Auntie/Uncle who thinks I’m a duffer or “not successful” because my life does not look like your child’s) got into the #2 physical therapy program in the country (back then), was Dean’s List, and Honor’s Society. Oh, and I finished undergrad in 3.5 years.
All of this (^^^) – being so masterful in disassociation and excelling in every performative and pleasing-to-my-parents/desi-society measure – was the primary reason why no one (least of all me) would have believed that I had any “issues.” However, I assure you that if someone – particularly during my college years and the years that immediately followed – looked at my dating choices or my drinking habits, they would have known! (I guarantee “friends” from back then who never thought to express care or concern back then are reminiscing how they used to judge me back then), & haan ji/yes, dear Auntie and Uncle, nearly ALL of your kids dated/drank or ARE dating/underage drinking, but we just all lied/lie to you about it because your parenting created ZERO context to be able to tell you ANYTHING because we know our sharing anything will be used against us; again, more weapons of mass destruction…
Sorry, I digressed and now back to my friends… Oh boy, how I LIVED FOR my friends (even those who may no longer be in my life). I was always doing anything I could to be at their homes after school versus mine, and it always bothered my mom deeply that I “put them first” or “cared more about them.” At that time, I honestly did. They were my escape – particularly, in those homes that seemed so different than my own like my one friend whose home I went to nearly every Wednesday “to study” (like stated right above, master actors are also master liars, but that’s a future post) but, in actuality, I just went there to watch 90210 and Melrose Place (she was mind-blowingly ALLOWED), eat dinner, laugh with Uncle and Auntie, and feel at peace in my (in my mind) alternate reality family. My whole life was about escape, but I had no actual awareness of this because no parent of mine (again, this is not me “blaming them”) was 1) thinking about the impact their issues were having on me (my brother was born of a completely different – like not typical for any child or human – “zen” nature where nothing seemed to impact him, but that wasn’t the case with me where I so desperately just wanted everyone to get along and be happy) & 2) remotely aware of any other aspect of my life (revert back to the completely garbage humans I was dating and the excessive amounts I was drinking because all they saw was their “good beti” with a 3.8 GPA and they were incapable of even considering that there could be so much more than what they saw. Read as: WHAT I PRESENTED as the master actor that I was.
So… that is what it was (for me) and what I know it is for countless others (particularly, countless generations younger than me who are living through all kinds of things and feel their only outlet is either silence or anonymous posts via groups on Facebook). Note: I am NOT knocking the value of the anonymous posts; I know they are, literally, saving people’s lives, but it will forever break my damn heart that desi community is so deeply broken that – even in the midst of great suffering – the thing one feels they need to worry about the most is “what other people will think/might say.” & I honestly would have done anything to have had these kinds of spaces when I was growing up (which I waited to mention until now was in the 80s as I’m 40 years old), but I am so glad that younger generations have them now.
On that note, I am someone who so deeply believes that – for those of us feel comfortable in sharing (hiya!) – it is our responsibility to share our experiences to “pay it forward” in an effort to spare others from having to experience the same. Accordingly, you will be seeing lots more #DearDesis-themed blog posts, and you can follow me at my public Smita Shares page and/or my personal page (I’m #sorrynotsorry, but I cannot accept friend requests without context for safety reasons from the above DV situation).
Anywho… as always, I am so grateful to anyone who takes the time to read/watch what I have to say, and, although I am signing off for now, if you are interested in other posts by me, please feel free to check out posts from 11 years ago about South Asian Dating or some more light/”fun” (maybe trifling?) stuff like my favorite things (#zencrack – which keeps me sane during these especially cray times, magnetic eyelashes, heated hair cap, standing desk, etc)
Love and light,
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