For those of you who’ve been following the blog or who possibly saw the last “text vs. calling” posting that caused quite a stir, you may have also seen the large slew of comments. Sure, a lot of them were from yours truly trying to address various posters’ comments, but there were 2 things that came up several times about desi women (and since I am grouped into the whole lot of “us” I thought they needed to be addressed):
1) An apparent air of desperation we all seem to have, and
2) Our supposed expansive list of “check mark criteria” that we are unwilling to compromise on which ultimately makes us pass up potential guys.
** Disclaimer — Warning — Alert — Sirens ** – this is MY take on things…. I know I have always “disclaimered” things before, but I am a bit hyper-sensitive to make that clear after the backlash from the last blog where some of the comments got a little too hectic and unpleasant for my taste (and one in particular that was just evil).
Now, I do not mean to be all “woe is us to be women” but excuse me while I go there for a minute… When a guy – no matter how old he may be – wants to settle down, find his “one,” etc., his guy friends may raise an eyebrow (more like “do not do it dude!”) if he’s “too young,” but the overall perception of him is nothing if not endearing… you know “aweeee, he’s one of the good guys.” When a girl – no matter how old she may be – says she wants to settle down, find her “one” and the big dreaded “get married,” she is perceived as desperate. After reading all the comments from the last post, I thought “oh wow, us XX’s are royally screwed,” b/c I interpreted the comments like this… as a female, if you reciprocate interest (essentially show a smidgeon of wide-eyed excitement at meeting someone you are jiving with), you are desperate, and if you play games (intentionally act aloof, flutter about, etc.) you’re disingenuous, manipulative or simply a B!
I tried to figure out what the fine balance of playing it cool and also showing interest would look like, and I just could not come to any kind of determination, because I think that no matter what our intentions are, a good majority of desi guys get completely freaked out (over and over again) by the majority of all us. That’s because no matter how we “act,” they know that with most desi girls, whether you’re 26 or 36, we are likely not looking for something casual. These guys might be great guys who are really interested, but they’re just not 100% sure, so instead of explore the possibility with you (and the seriousness/potential risk of what that would mean), they prefer to continue their search. and they search… and they search … and they search some more for that one girl that they are so sure about that the seriousness of pursuing something with her does not completely freak them out.
I am not a guy here and as always this is just my Smita Moon perception of it all, but I cannot help but believe that’s what’s going on. Now ladies (and guys this should not be shocking to you b/c almost every girl – whether she watched Bollywood movies or not – falls into this category), I believe that since the beginning of when-we-started-liking-boys time (Mummy-Daddy-Auntie-everyone-but-Vijay-Uncle, I am sorry to break it to you, but this was a long, looong time ago), if we’re all honest with ourselves, 99.44% of us NEVER wanted anything casual EVER. Even when we ended up in obviously casual situations (that we knew in our gut were wrong and our friends advised us weren’t going to go anywhere), we hoped that our simply continuing to be present and our sweet wonderful selves, that it would all eventually come together and work out. A lot of us made and continue to make ourselves okay with casual hoping that it will eventually “work out” and turn into serious… he’ll eventually realize if you just care for and love him even more, but we are too often disappointed as we painfully realize that we just wasted another few months (and sadly, sometimes years) on someone who was “just not that into us,” and the absolute worst part of it all is realizing that you should have never been into him.
I have even seen a lot of friends or heard stories of friends-of-friends tolerating a whole lot of (for less than better words) CRAP/BS… essentially, unfulfilling relationships, subpar if not completely degrading treatment, abuse – emotional, mental, physical – and everything across the spectrum of outright sucky guys, just for the sake of not being alone and due this eternal hope of being with their “one”/having their “happy ending.” My issue thankfully has never been that. I do not do friends with benefits and once I realize you have sucky character or we just will not work (and in spite of how wildly attracted to you I am), I say “peace in the Middle East, these boots were made for walking, see ya, would not want to be ya!”… Sorry, I got carried away at the thought of saying all those fun things I have never actually said and would never be bold enough to say! Ha. 😛 I do, however, in an as uncomfie-for-me-and-the-other-person-way-as-possible, snip-snip that relationship/situation with a quickness. My issue has always been getting majorly distracted by the super-fun, entertaining, and in my younger years, a lil’ bad-a$$ guy.
My point is… Hmm… oh wow… I swear, I had a point… Oh yeah! My point was…. Ladies, I think it’s high time that we become very aware of what we are up against. The same guys who we likely ignored/rejected in our younger years and got their hearts broken or trampled on countless times by a whole lot of us (even if it was unknowingly and unintentionally), well, those guys are now the ones with a whole lot of power and seemingly infinite choices. He can choose you. He can choose the younger version of you. He can choose the non-Indian girl. He can even choose the girl from India who is possibly younger-better-looking-just-as-(if not more)-modern-educated-cooks-and-cleans version of you. Oh, and on top of ALL those options, time is also in his favor to make that choice. I am not saying HE is not a great option or that you should not be interested in HIM, but when is the last time you expanded your options…? Or actually, your “criteria”?
I can honestly say that my criteria has been in perpetual flux mode and continues to be. Back in my early twenties, I was so off in the head that my criteria read something like this… tall (5’10” kinda tall b/c that’s how tall my dad and brother are), handsome, fun, funny, super sweet (always in reference to “like my brother”), North Indian (in spite of all my non-North Indian friends, that was a must), non-veg only (I know that’s the opposite of a lot of desi girls and it’s actually a funny story that my friends like to tell), speaks Hindi, likes Bollywood, loves to dance, max 3 years older than me, blah blah. The only thing that wasn’t and I swear still isn’t in my criteria is the whole “must-be-a-doctor/baller” criteria; do I like nice things and want a comfortable life? Heck yeah, but the whole concept of status is lost on me and I am the kind of person who can be comfie anywhere and with anything; if you know what this Hindi word means, in that sense I am very “Bindaas”.
Anywho, now since that whole PARAGRAPH of criteria (my god…), I have dated a half-Indian guy, a white guy who was 3 years younger than me, and been interested in guys who range from being my height, half and even twice my body size (a slight exaggeration…) and basically the opposite of everything listed above. My “criteria” have definitely evolved just as I have, and most of the above are now non-factors (do not get me wrong, I still want to be with someone funny and sweet who I am attracted to! :-P). Someone posted this in the comments of my last blog, and I have heard it time and time again straight from the mouths of many Indian girls (of every age) who still want Indian-only along with ALL the criteria that I had back in my young 20’s plus a guy who is preferably a doctor or at least makes more $$ than them.
I know, I know, it’s what we/you want so why settle and all that…? That’s fair and I am not here to judge anyone for sticking to their guns and “not settling;” all I can say though is what you already know – time waits for no one, so isn’t it high time that we ALL evaluated our criteria, our actions as they relate to dating, what we ourselves have to offer (my fave line from an article I read recently is “you need to be the person you are seeking”), and instead of thinking of it as “settling” (which it is not), simply understand ourselves better and potentially evolve our criteria/deal breakers…?
Now that was directed towards my fellow ladies (that expression is an oxymoron, right…?)… having said all of that, I am in NO WAY saying that guys do not have their own criteria or in my opinion, often (just as women do) very skewed perceptions of themselves (to be later addressed in “Leagues. Who’s in? Who’s out? and do they exist??”). Just as guys hate on us lot of females for preferring a guy who is taller than them, I have been on dating websites and out in the real world enough to know very few guys out there who are seeking girls who are taller and wider than them. I think that sentiment is across the board, b/c just as most women like the “feeling” of a man who is in some way bigger than them, most men LOVE women who are significantly smaller than them and usually, the more petite the better. I also know guys have criteria on everything from age, skin color, looks, education, whether a girl can cook or not and a whole spectrum of other things. For some reason though, in spite of their having a whole slew of their own criteria, it’s the women who get hated on for having theirs. Again, woe is us! 😛
K, well, that’s all for me. As always, thanks for reading and your comments are always appreciated!
Write soon,
ORIGINAL COMMENT THREAD (complete with an almost-cat fight at the end)
Anonymous said… An interesting post. What my mind boggles to when it comes to Desi chicas is marking the criteria. For e.g., he should be earning $150K, he should be dashing looking, etc. Now all of this is purely artificial, from my perspective. Money is here today, gone tomorrow. Are we interested in the person and his/her personality that defines them or their money, status, etc? Looks are good until one gets into an accident and gets disfigured. Then what? Are we stating we are going to dump/divorce the person because he/she is not at all good looking?
I also read the other blog and more and more it appears nowadays we are turning our selves into some product where a potential buyer will pick us up. Some of the comments made really cracked me up. Just be confident, be at your best etc. Why do all this? Do only one thing – Just be your self. If love is in the air, all else will follow. I know first few moments are of filled with nervousness, what to say, what will he think, etc. Do not pretend, do not act, do not exaggerate. Just be your self and portray who you really are because at the end of the day that is what you are and will be. You are not going to change your self (only if you are bad and thinking of changing your self for good – then only think of change).
I have seen girls who go after criteria and not COMPROMISE have missed out on great opportunities. After few years they realized their mistakes and wanted another chance but guy was happy with someone else. Have you ever wondered how come our parents who married without dating are living a happy and healthy marriage life?
Anonymous said… My dearest Smileymoon, I have read this posting twice and still don’t understand what you want or are looking for. Now I’m wondering if you even do” Advice: Be honest with yourself. You do want a baller (a guy who earns at least $150K), he has to be tall, witty and handsome. When you are honest and confident about what you want, the universe will present your desires.
Anonymous said… Are we giving dating advice to Smilemoon or to ourselves here? Smilemoon, are you having that much difficulty finding a guy in Chicago? There are many people in the city, you have to connect with someone, right? Somehow this blog has turned into advice for Smilemoon on why she is single and not general discussions. Personally, I like the general topics. But, when they are applied over and over, to your life, it can get a bit repetitive and becomes uninteresting read after a certain point. I dont know who you are, but if I met you and found out that you are blogging your life for everyone to read, I would see that as kind of odd, and its a huge turn-off. Anyway..to each his/her own.
Smile Moon said… thanks everyone for their thoughts. to the first poster, i completely agree with you. although i think we can all evolve (which was what my last post was about – evolving our criteria), our true self pretty much never changes.
to the second poster (btw, i love how people use terms of endearment like “dearest, honey, lovely” before they give it to me :-P), i think you misinterpreted my last posting as many people are apparently misinterpreting it as well. it was not about what SMILE MOON wants; I was addressing 2 things that were brought up in the comments of my last post & how both relate to men & women in general. your “advice” was really a statement of you assuming you know me & what i want. you do not, & i will not explain my personal wants more than i have in my post. perhaps try reading a 3rd time?? & i love all this “advice” from you & previous commenters about being honest & confident. hmm… i’m writing a blog on south asian dating & being more transparent than most. if that’s not honest (& confident considering i also have to deal with the tremendous unlove from so many of you), i do not know what is.
now to the 3rd poster, i’m not sure what everyone is reading, but 90% of each posting is GENERAL yet many of you are making it sound like i’m the only single person out there. sure, i’m putting myself out here to be analyzed & critiqued, but all us singles are in the SAME BOAT.
naturally, i pull from my personal experiences (although i would hardly say that i’m posting anything controversial or things that should be kept private – WE ALL DATE!), but to clarify for everyone, this blog is about a GENERAL issue that is going on in the desi community. for those of you who are still confused, please go back to my first posting about meeting Vijay Uncle & what the inspiration behind this blog was (keyword: inspiration – there is a purpose behind this blog & i am not just writing for the sake of putting my business out there)
the one thing that you said that is the beauty of life is to each their own. you find this uninteresting? stop reading. you would not date someone who blogs about dating? do not. you should go back & read my post on “to blog or not to blog.” i considered that there would be guys out there like you who would not receive this well & as i explained there, those are the kinds of guys i would never be within the first place b/c their MO is so “go with the flow, do not go against the grain or do anything that’s not the norm” so no loss there.
at the end of the day, what i am doing should not be such a big deal, but we are desi & so it is.
Anonymous said… To some of the “anonymous” posters out there: I am not sure why you are at
tacking SmileMoon. She’s clearly writing about a broad-based issue in our community and not about her own personal situation. Jeez people, lay off! And if you’re getting offended at what you’re reading or are otherwise “uninterested,” then stop reading and even more importantly, stop posting such negative comments that are just unnecessary clutter.
Anonymous said… Some of the negative comments are verbally abusive and completely unnecessary. SM, if they do not stop it just delete their comments. If one is attacking someone’s character then one is completely off topic and not contributing in a meaningful way to this discussion. So then, you just have to give them consequence SM by deleting their comment, because emotional abuse is where the line should be drawn. People are literally as the expression goes “showing their ass” and that is just nasty. No one needs to see or hear that.
Smile Moon said… hey guys/gals, i appreciate your sentiments about maintaining the integrity of the blog & although i wish it wasn’t necessary, for sticking up for me. i kept all the comments so for so as not to censor people, but i agree, going forward if it strays so off topic & becomes an unnecessary me-bashing, i will def start deleting.
Anonymous said… How about some positive energy? Dating is tough. It takes guts. If you’re not clear on what you want, you can make a complete mess. Decide on 4-5 things that you MUST have to build a happy and successful marriage. Our generation often forgets to evaluate the things that are important after 50 years of marriage, rather than just the first. Be yourself, be confident, and ask for what you want. It’s one thing to be proactive and another to stop living and enjoying your life in search of that someone. I think the problem is that our parents make it feel like we’re not successful or somehow incomplete until we’ve married and that’s where we need to recognize that we face different challenges than our parents and therefore, must use different strategies. BUT, being “bindas” in the process is SO important. SM, totally appreciate the discussion- keep sharing. (11:47 am)
Anonymous said… Here is the thing. I am a checklist guy. Ivy league educated, 29 years old, tall (just under 6 feet), good looking with a sense of style (according to my female desi friends), sweet caring extremely well-off parents and sister, 7 figure income (finance pays better than medicine which doesn’t pay anymore). Desi girls and their families approach me and my family every single day, and let me tell you this — nothing turns off a checklist guy more than the obvious “im swooning over you since you are a single checklist guy” — and it is sooooo obvious (Desi girls tend to be pretty easy to read when it comes to why they are attracted to you). My “checklist guy” friends and I are always most attracted to the simple, unassuming, normal, attractive girl, and believe it or not, plenty are out there. So my advice to desi girls who have their checklist is to (a) act better and pretend that it doesn’t matter to you, and act well since it will be hard to hide the reality or (b) throw away the checklist and go for someone caring, sweet, down to earth, who will treat you and your family with respect and love. (2:17 pm)
Anonymous said… SmileMoon is getting a lot of ish, so I wanted to post this. I do not know her, never met her. But wanted to say THANK YOU to her. I am a single desi guy and was unhappy in the dating scene; SmileMoon describes it in a previous post about the unreal expectations desi guys have, and I was one. I came across this blog and Vijay Uncle via this blog. And honestly, the concept of infrared dating and the whole seriously looking aspect has really changed my life so much. There is one person who directly started this positive chain reaction in my life, and that’s you SmileMoon. I am sure there are other anonymous people who’s lives you and VJ Uncle are making better; those who really get huge positive advice out of your blog are slow to post comments, haters are quick to post. So keep it up and ignore the haters. And again, from the bottom of my heart, a big THANK YOU to you for this. (2:30 pm)
Smile Moon said… 11:47 am – thank you for breathing some positive energy into what was a really ugly vibe going on… basically, a lot of people hating & me having to explain & defend myself over & over again. i really appreciate your thoughtfulness & insight.
2:17 pm – i think some people who read your posting will take it the wrong way (as in “well isn’t he cocky”). i do not, b/c it’s honest. you seem like someone who is aware that you have it going on (there’s nothing wrong with that) & are saying it here for the sake of making a point, but i’m assuming you would be humble about it in real life. i never imagined what it would be like to actually BE the checklist guy, but now i can clearly envision what that would look & feel like… girls falling all over themselves & lining up to be by your side simply because you meet their “all-star desi guy” criteria. it’s really unfortunate that there are people out there like that, but i’m glad you & your friends see through it & at the end of the day, that you are looking for a girl with character – someone who likes you for WHO you are & not WHAT you are.
now as for 2:30 pm, thankfully, none of the uber-nastiness from commenters made me cry, but you, however, did…. (not like cry-cry, but tear up :-P) in a really good way of course. 🙂 absolutely no thank you’s are necessary, but since you were so sweet to give me so many of them, i will say “mention not.”
seriously, after a week of mulling over whether the blog was worth all the nastiness, was there a point in blogging, am i hurting myself in the long-run, & considering to put the kabash on the whole thing, your posting was exactly what i needed, so a big THANK YOU to you.
the thing is that i’ve gotten a ton of positive e-mails & messages from the females out there & some from the males out there privately, but your being so honest HERE about your experience before the blog (& vijay uncle) as well as after, really means a lot to me personally. your comment made me feel like “ok, this is definitely worth it. let’s keep it going.” thank you again & i wish you all the best in your search.
Anonymous said… I just got around to reading this post and not sure if I should be flattered that I was mentioned in your blog or insulted that you did not understand my comment. I am your 20 something year old acquaintance who suggested that you take the 2 months off. I suggested that you take the time off to recoup your thoughts meditate over your past and then start fresh….a “born again dater” (if there is such thing). I merely suggested 2 months however it can be as long or as short as you wish. I am strong believer in making important decisions with a clear and sound mind. And choosing your life mate is the most important decision you can make (in my opinion at least). My comment was in no way a jab at your life nor was I belittling you in anyway. I am sorry you took it as such. (10:05 pm)
Anonymous said… Anonymous 10:05, actually I thought you were super rude and clueless. You were making it seem like somthing was wrong with SM and on top of that you were saying that you have never had a guy not call you. This has nothing to do with the girl. Listen here, little heifer, despite how gorgeous, intelligent a woman maybe, a man can mistreat her. Aishwarya was abused by Salman, Patti labelle was also abused. My friend was cheated upon after a 7 year relationship. She is smart, loving, sweet, beautiful everything, still that man did her wrong. Anyways, she is married now. You obviously have no clue of the magnitude of things that can go wrong in the mating game. Grow up first and then give people advice. (10:25)
Smile Moon said… before this gets into a hectic back & forth (please, let’s not go there), i wanted to write to both of you.10:05, thank you for clarifying & i wanted to clarify as well… i mentioned the “2 months” in my blog, but honestly, it wasn’t the advice on taking time that was offensive (& a lot of females reading interpreted this the same way) but it was the part about you not having any trouble having a guy call you back as well as the implication that although you did not know what it was, that i must be doing something wrong & should reconsider my actions.
i think it’s unfortunate that when a woman is single – especially as she’s older & single – we are often blamed (or it is at least implied) that there is something wrong with us (i cannot even count the # of times i’ve been asked by guys INTERESTED in me, “what’s wrong with you? why are you STILL single??”), whereas the guys, well, they are single by choice.
10:25 – i appreciate you understanding my sentiments. your post is how you feel & you bring up some good examples of situations where relationships can go awry irrespective of who a woman is (the most “beautiful woman in the world”) or what she is like, so i am not going to delete it
however, i was very tempted b/c calling out someone’s behavior as “rude or clueless” is one thing, but calling someone a “heifer” is just wildly inappropriate. i do not want to start deleting/censoring here b/c that would take away from the integrity of the blog & everyone’s ability to express themselves freely, but let’s all please refrain from unnecessary name-calling.
Anonymous said… Anonymous 10:25pm: Assume all you want about me, however from your post you have PROVED that you are super rude and classless. My sincere apologies if I hit a soft spot. I can rightfully conclude that your anger is a result of many men not calling you back.
Smile Moon said… ok, i was really hoping this would not become an unnecessary back & forth (“10:25,” please be the bigger person & do not write back to “formerly known as 10:05” :-P); I am 2 seconds away from deleting b/c the last post – complete with its “conclusion” – serves ZERO purpose. seriously, no one shows class, maturity or anything of the sort by engaging in this kind of useless banter. & come on now, arguing with or trying to put down random ANONYMOUS individuals on a blog… isn’t that kind of silly…?
Anonymous said… I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOUR WRITING STYLE!!! 🙂
Smile Moon said… hi, i’m just going to be assumptive & hope you’re talking about me, sooo… THANK YOU & i love having people read my random thoughts! 😀
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