2018 Relaunch 9-years-after-this-post edit: So much of the below pains me to read all of these years later – especially the parts where I shared so many convictions and advice about “bumping” people with poor character only to – 2 years later – experience a horror (becoming a domestic violence after a brief 3-month dating relationship) that would change the trajectory of my life. I also want to add the following (if you haven’t seen this disclaimer in other posts): At this juncture in my life (& I have no crystal ball to tell you about the future), I have no desire to be dating/in a relationship/with a life partner/married or have kids. For the first time (& after 20+ years of caring so much about this as the “end-all-be-all” life goal), I don’t care at all and am fully engaged in a relationship with myself. I love my own company, feel no lack, and – accordingly – feel complete and whole on my own; it is an absolutely revolutionary feeling and I wish I could have known it in my 20’s. More on that later…
I was recently talking to a girlfriend who told me a story about a guy that she had been dating for about a year. While they were dating, I had heard from another friend who knew this guy well and said that he was super shady at least until very recently (multiple girlfriends, hook-ups, overall bad reputation and such). I mulled over saying anything to my friend because she seemed really happy and he sounded like a great guy, but after asking some girlfriends what I should do, they said that I should definitely share the info, so I did. She appreciated knowing, did not get upset at me and things continued.
Well, for the next few months, my friend and I played phone tag and when we finally caught up, she told me a story that made me… aaahhh, soooo furious (one at this super-jerk guy and two, at my girlfriend for giving this guy a second chance)! Well, long story short, after months of dating, some kind of situation with an ex (or someone else he was possibly seeing at the same time) happened, things ended, he relentlessly tried to get my friend back swearing that he was a changed man forever, she finally caved in, relationship part 2, major mistrust, then yet another still unclear something happened with the ex, and things were then over for good. & as upset as she was, to this I said, “thank goodness!”
She continued the story by telling me the whacky and messed up things this guy had said to her while they were dating like… “You’re pretty but you’re no Miss America” (not in reference to how she acts which one could describe as the anti-diva but in reference to how she looks; mind you she is GORGEOUS, always turns heads wherever she goes & is completely clueless to it all) and… “I wish you had more style – I like girls who wear high heels, accessorize, are trendy, etc.” (again, this is not some delusional evaluation of my friend, but she has a completely classic beauty look sans 4″-inch heels & some trendy super-fitted hooch dress).
At this point, even though I wanted to violently shake my friend for sticking it out with someone who could say things like that, I cannot say that I am 100% sure what I would do if someone said something like that to me when I’d already invested so much time with them. I’d like to think I’d say “You’re decent but no Jon Abraham yet I still dated you and you should really stop watching so much porn” as I made my way to the door. Ok, so I might say nothing (it’s so easy to be sassy and fiery in writing but often in person I am a lot more “Err… Uhh… Umm… :-P” than I’d personally like to be), but I’d definitely make my way to the nearest exit.
After she told me the whole story, I made my girlfriend promise me that she would never ignore red flags like the things this moron said. I told her that it’s better to be solo than with someone who – if god forbid you did end up spending the rest of your life with – would make your loooong life miserable because you would be forever riddled with insecurity and constantly wondering “Am I (insert any quality or trait – attractive, smart, blah, blah – enough?”
There’s so much I know I still need to learn when it comes to relationships, but the one thing I can say that I am good at after many years of dating, is bumping anyone who has blatant poor character with a quickness. My wish is that everyone – guys & girls alike – keep this in mind… things like how outgoing, funny, charming, well-traveled, speaks (Gujarati, Hindi, your “Mother Tongue” of preference), rhythmically-inclined, “Indian” & the hundreds of other criteria that we all have and gage who we will or will not date by, are all trivial and really should not be deal breakers. However, if someone is selfish, untrustworthy, makes you feel bad about yourself, disrespectful or shows any other poor character red flags, do not run, SPRINT in the other direction & do not look back – poor character IS FOREVER. Oh, and if he/she cheated in the past, I am sorry, but how wonderful you are will not reform him/her into the trustworthy non-cheating-type; you know what they say… “Once a cheater, always a cheater…”
Honestly, I think as girls we’ve jacked it up for ourselves big time, because when we were younger, we all (ok, most. ok, I?) went for the bad-boy, playerish, most charming type; he treated us like crap and made us constantly wonder where we stood in his book, but yet we still wanted him. He was so darn charming! The good guys stood by watching as they got ignored, and now the whole standard for treating someone decently has been set so far backward (to the point that it feels like there is no standard) because we so eagerly sought out being treated like crap. & the funny-sad thing is that we went for that guy not once, but again and again, until finally it seemed that “all the good guys” were taken b/c so few of the good guys were actually even left.
To the above, I know so many girls – including myself because I have seen it a hundred times – would say “ok fine, but what about the super nice guy who ends up with a complete super-B?” We all know these couples as well, and you know, I have no idea what it is about so many people that makes them often seek out and end up with people who treat them awfully and make them feel bad about themselves. It’s one of those great mysteries of life, but being the eternal optimist/idealist that I am, I am hoping that the generation that follows us at least learns from some of our mistakes versus repeating all of them… that they learn to heed the warning of all character red flags & bump the shady-jerk/b!tch-playerish-too-charming-for-their-own-good types (with a quickness!!)… & learn to pay attention to the perhaps the slightly more shy, subtle-good-human-being guy/girl type.
Here’s to wishful thinking and gnite,
COMMENTS:
Anonymous: I am going to play Devil’s addy. Now 99.999% of the girls I know all think that their friends are beautiful and are sweet. AND it is sometimes extremely far from the truth. Like guys, many girls treat each other better than they do the opposite sex in a dating relationship. Girls can and do act rude, use guys, act condescending and like they are ALL THAT. Now is it possible that your friend was acting this was and the guys were knocking her down a few pegs to bring her back down to Earth?
Anonymous: I have to disagree Anon 1:32. I think this guy loses any sort of credibility in the way you’re suggesting once we realize he continuously cheated on his girlfriend. I think that it’s very common in South Asian culture to point at the woman and ask what she did wrong for the guy to treat her poorly or leave her. I think that’s sexist and misogynistic of our culture. Of course, there are women who do treat men poorly but I am unsure what part of her post would have triggered such consideration.
My major delayed reaction response because I never saw these… To Anon #1, I know what you are saying about people – guys & girls alike – who are very generous in how they describe their friends, but I assure you that in this instance, that’s not the case. If we’re just to talk about my friend’s looks, she’s the girl that my guy friends point to in pictures asking “what her deal is” and the one that when they meet her, they try to get me to put in a good word for them. On top of being beautiful, she is intelligent, successful, talented, sweet and thoughtful, but if I know one person who is mind-bogglingly unaware (seriously, it drives me nutty) of her ultimate-“package” status, it is her, so no, she did not need to be brought down to Earth because she never left it. However, I would hope that if someone did need to be “knocked down a few pegs,” that the person they are dating would not need to resort to those kinds of comments, and more than anything else, even if she was (she isn’t) Ms. “I am all that and a bag of chips,” like Anon #2 said, that still would not justify his cheating.
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