REALITY CHECK

2018 Relaunch 8-years-after-this-post edit: At this juncture in my life (& I have no crystal ball to tell you about the future), I have no desire to be dating/in a relationship/with a life partner/married or have kids. For the first time (& after 20+ years of caring so much about this as the “end-all-be-all” life goal), I don’t care at all and am fully engaged in a relationship with myself. I love my own company, feel no lack, and – accordingly – feel complete and whole on my own; it is an absolutely revolutionary feeling and I wish I could have known it in my 20’s. More on that later…

A perfect life:  Two people fall madly in love, get married, have 2 kids (one boy & one girl), a beautiful home, are successful in their personal & professional lives, travel the world… enjoy life, are happy, healthy & worry-free… they grow old together… everything plays out like a fairy tale until the one day they proceed to the afterlife together embracing each other in their “Notebook”-type ending (sans the Alzheimers, of course).

REAL life:  This scenario kicks off the same way, but plays out a bit differently (this is not to be morbid or depressing, but these things are a reality for many if not all married couples at some point in their lives in spite of how outwardly happy or perfect they may seem)… “we were so in love but everything changed after we got married“… family drama, fertility issues (men, just a kind reminder, this one can be due to the anatomy of your 20-40 something wife, but b/c of yours as well – if the concept is lost on you, here you go – https://www.docshop.com/education/fertility/causes/male/), having a baby, but then your formerly oh-so-sexy-thong-wearing wife gains 30 lbs afterwards that she never loses in spite of her best efforts (or we all know the equally attractive “uncle belly”)… you have your 2 kids & now your whole world is turned upside down (sex?  sleep?  exercising?  more like hugs, naps, & weight lifting consists of carrying your kids around 50+ times a day)….  your oh-so-successful (& thus uber sexy) husband loses his balleriffic job & is unemployed for 2 years… financial issues… mortgages & foreclosures… having to move unexpectedly from your family & friends for a partner’s job… the last time you traveled was your honeymoon… life’s infinite challenges with your grown kids (all conversations starting with “Mom-Dad, I have something to tell you…”), managing the health issues of your parents/passing of our parents… managing your own health issues… erectile dysfunction/cancer/diabetes/depression/heart attacks/strokes & their aftermath…

That’s the short list of some of the real life things that can happen over the course of a couple’s married life, & I think it’s important to reflect upon not to induce panic and scare people away from marriage, but because I believe that our generation has it quite twisted when it comes to what we are looking for in our future life partner.  We get so caught up in the “OMG/WOW feeling” (how “amazing he/she is,” how happy we are, how great it all feels) & curb-appeal factors as Vijay Uncle calls them that we often do not think of what a LIFE (complete with all its challenges) would be like with the person we’re falling head over heels with.  We do not ask ourselves is he/she the person we will still be so in love with (& vice-versa) in spite of & through all of the above & the then some that life often throws our way. When I say “we,” I mean myself included, b/c in spite of what I fundamentally believe I have certainly been distracted along the way.

& that bring us to today’s disclaimer!  I am pretty sure I have said this particular one before so please forgive me for the repetition but saying this will hopefully prevent the potential backlash.  So, here’s the thing… I think I am a decent if not most times a better-than-decent person; I’d like to even think I am even a good person, but I am not perfect.  I am no Mother Teresa who has never complained, hurt someone’s feelings, judged/made fun of someone or something, made any bad choices in my life or whose whole only life purpose is to “save the world.”  I am saying that so as not to start the directed-at-SmileMoon-hateration (people who’ve called me out on my use of this word, yes, it is not a real word; it’s borrowed from MJ Blige & it works!), but so that we can all pause, think upon ourselves & understand that we are ALL in this imperfect and simply HUMAN boat together.

I also say that because there are so many people out there who have wildly skewed perceptions of themselves & especially those who fit the bill of meeting “check mark criteria.”  We’ve all had check mark guys & girls that we’ve been interested in or have been interested in us, but we often realize that there’s nothing under the surface – limited to no personality, sense of humor, interests or passions, or real character.  If it really was all about “just check marks,” these people would not still be single, and thankfully, a lot of people out there are looking for more than that.

Now here’s an exercise for everyone… Think of the couple you admire the most & would one day wish to emulate when it comes to their relationship… Is it the best looking, most outwardly put together & successful couple with their “sexy” lives, lined up check mark criteria (i.e. – Guju-Guju, Doctor-Lawyer, 6’1″-5’8″…) and grand gestures of love that comes to mind or the possibly more subtle couple where both partners genuinely respect, care for, admire, appreciate, enjoy and love each other.  That’s not to say that the former couple I described could not or would not have the latter characteristics or that the latter couple is unattractive, unsuccessful or anything along those lines, but I think you know what I am trying to say.  I do not know many people who truly admire couples b/c of outward characteristics or inline check mark criteria… we admire them for who they are and how they are to each other.

We all know what good character is, how  “really good people” make us feel, and what strong character would look like in terms of a marriage that was faced with any of the above mentioned real-life challenges, so I am not going to spell it out for you.  This post was simply something to think about & if nothing else was a reminder for me to stay the course… like I said, in spite of knowing better, I have definitely gotten caught up in the curb-appeal guys, or the ones who are so entertaining & “always makes me laugh”, or who I have “everything in common with” and says all the right things, only to realize (thankfully, usually very soon) that in spite of being so appealing, their actions do not line up with their words which really turn out to be empty flattery, they are selfish & often only interested in me not for who I am but b/c of how they perceive me physically (that’s not a self-compliment; everyone has had people attracted to them, so you know what I mean), would never treat me the way that I deserve to be treated & that ultimately, a real marriage with someone like that would never be fulfilling or successful.

On that note, I hope everyone thinks about the kind of people they generally gravitate towards and why things usually do not ever get off the ground or do not end up lasting with that kind of person.  Or are you in a situation where you “know better” but are rationalizing and justifying someone being in your life for the sake of making it work or not being alone…?  If your now boyf-girlf did not have all their appeal factors, would you still be so in love with who they are as a person…?  We all know this, but looks & appeal will fade, but character lasts a lifetime*…

As always, thanks for reading & write soon,

p.s. – * – All of the above was not me saying that you should go for the really great person who you are simply not attracted to.  If you can consider the possibility or if someone can “grow on you” physically, that’s great, but if not, I do not think that’s wrong, because fundamentally, I do not believe that a relationship (one in which for most people, they desire to make babies) works without that attraction.  However, I do agree with Vijay Uncle that we’re all not going to end up with “10’s” when it comes to looks (& often the “10’s” in looks quite frankly suck as human beings), so maybe all us non-10’s still seeking Jon Abraham & Aishwariya… maybe we should cast our nets a little wider… & if nothing else, take a hard look in the mirror (& possibly get some outside opinions) on where exactly on the looks scale we all fall.

One more thing on that… Guys, I understand that you generally want someone better looking than you (that’s fine & I will even pass that off to being something biological rather than ego-related); however, I believe that too many of you want that in such a wildly disproportionate & skewed way compared to the ladies out there who have a much more practical perception of themselves, who they can get, & who they ultimately seek based on that.  Just something to think about… 🙂

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. – Anonymous

ORIGINAL COMMENT THREAD:

Cha cha said… Whoa Smilemoon!!! Firstly, from looking at the counter in the bottom of your blog it seems that your blog is being visited hundreds of times a day. CONGRATS!!! In my brief experience, it seems as though Indian men demand a lot. I completely agree with your point that what they want is so wildly disproportionate & skewed. They want runway models, who are doctors/ successful professionals, who will become great mothers, wives and lovers. They can be controlling, abusive and commanding.

And all this advice about working out and dressing better…are you kidding me? Why don’t they do that” Last time I checked Indian men are not the most attractive of the bunch. Do they have rock hard bodies, and step out looking like they belong in GQ? I think NOT! Yes they have great careers and a culture we can relate to but are they the most supportive, loving and caring spouses? Are Indian men great lovers?
And hun, I have dated men who are not attractive and believe me the outcome is not different. Ugly men lost out in their youth. They never dated the hot girl when they were in high school or college so now they are making up for lost time.

NO I’m not a jaded or hurt. I am still open to dating Indian men, however I do find dating them more challenging than white men who don’t have so much criteria or stipulations for a partner.
What are we looking for LOVE?? Or a business transaction” I know I am looking for love.

Smile Moon said… Cha cha, thanks for commenting & your positive feedback on the blog! Although we’re both going to get accused of “drinking some haterate” & the “desi girls are just as – if not more – whacked” comments will ensue shortly, I have to say that I agree with you.

What you (we) are talking about is overall expectations & a great majority of desi men have expectations that are SO out of this world and completely not in line with who they are themselves. My new fave thing is “you need to BE the person you are SEEKING,” & well, I (you/ we all) know a whole lot of desi guys and what they are “seeking” & it simply doesn’t line up.

I know that this blog, Vijay Uncle’s efforts or any book/expert on relationships is not going to change the world of dating; however, I hope that all these things are making people think about & re-evaluate their behaviors, expectations, what they tolerate when they should not & so on when it comes to dating.
I also hope that all the 30-somethings catch a clue (& with a quickness) before their lives pass them by and that the 20-somethings learn from our experiences.
Thanks again for writing & hope to hear from you again 🙂

Anonymous said… Cha Cha is right on the money and well said what you said with humor.

Anonymous 10:58 said… I think what you said at the end really hits the nail on the head. There are obviously exceptions, but in the best matches I have seen, the guy feels truly lucky to be with the girl, and (sadly?) this often means that he thinks that she is better looking than he is, maybe even “out of his league.”
Now this results in the aforementioned problem of guys pining after girls that they really do not have any business pursuing, and still other guys ‘benchmarking’ (“If so-and-so was able to get HER, then I should be able to do better”) which just leads to more people who are single, with no hope in sight of finding a partner.
What do I think needs to happen? I do think that some of us need to get a “reality check” and lessen our emphasis on looks, without of course sacrificing basic physical attraction — which I think is critical.
But I also think, and this may sound superficial, that many of us (both guys and girls) would benefit from making careful improvements to our appearance. I think so many of us have latent beauty that we can unleash with something as simple as a wardrobe change. I recognize that with all the pressure (that women in particular face) to look good, that this comment probably will not be well-received, but I truly believe that the way you present yourself makes a difference — the product packaging, if you will. A simple change to your hairstyle and wardrobe could drastically widen your eligible circle of prospects.

And once you realize your full potential (and this applies to all dimensions), then you can feel comfortable seeking someone who is also fulfilling their potential — rather than seeking in someone else what you yourself lack.

Anonymous 8:46 said…
Its good to put your best foot forward in terms of everything. Appearances, emotional well being, spiritual well being, etc. I have noticed quite a number of girls who are not that smart, average looking, t shirt type girls who are married and have men climbing all kinds of walls for them. One thing they all had in common was that they were elusive and evasive. They played the chase game. They made the guy feel like the guys were lucky to be in their company. I personally am not very good at the chase game, but this elusiveness is something men find attractive, even though the girl may not be really average.

Another trait I noticed that some of these sought after and married girls had was that they were “happy go lucky” easygoing jovial type. So, your happiness/joy can be magnetic as well. I write this not to debate just to share my opinions from my perspective. Good luck to you all in meeting your mate. Thanks SM for having an open discussion like this and offering and receiving insights. Make sure you write a book about this.

Smile Moon said… Anonymous 10:58, I 100% agree with you on what you said about the vicious cycle of “IF he can get her, then I can…” as well as about being one’s best physically. Yes, people might take that the wrong way & say “well, he/she should like/love me for who I am & not how I look.” This is true, and that non-superficial interest is crucial b/c no matter how you look now, it will no doubt change in the future (& most of us do not get better looking as we age!).

However, whether it’s right or wrong, we ALL look at a person’s appearance first. I liken it to an interview scenario… sure, they SHOULD hire you because you have an Ivy league education, worked & got results for the best X companies & are a fabulous person & employee, BUT you are not going to go into your interview with disheveled hair, scruffed up shoes & a wrinkled linen suit.

Whose attention doesn’t go to the guy/girl in the room who is dressed sharply, has a smile on their face & looks approachable at the same time? No matter what we think of that person, all of our’s does.
For me personally, it was a small tweak like BANGS that made all the difference not necessarily in how people perceived me, but how I perceived myself (i.e. – I like how I look better with bangs) & noticed a change in my confidence b/c of them. Also, guys & girls alike respond differently to me (& other girls) when it’s apparent that we took some effort into getting ready. It AMAZES me how much guys notice these small things & make comments about them.

As for Anonymous 8:46 & “elusiveness,” yeah, I am no good at that either. I really believe that’s something inherent though & less something that can be tweaked. For me to be elusive (mysterious or whatever people have called it) would mean me completely being inauthentic. Some people have called it “flirting with the janta” (janta meaning “the people” irrespective of whether they are male, female or my interest level) & I have been likened to people like Sandra Bullock (& not the alluring Scarlett Johansson & Angelina-types); I call all of that just being friendly & nice, but apparently it poses a problem in the dating world. NICE = NO MYSTERY.
I digress though & YES, happiness/joy ARE magnetic. People should consider their body language & what they communicate with their eyes (“I am looking you up & down and judging you… ugh… I cannot be bothered” or “hey, it’s nice to meet you.”) Sometimes we think we’re only being judged on our direct behavior, but I personally look at how people interact with everyone.

K, that’s all from me and thanks for writing.

* THIS COMMENT HAD ITS OWN BLOG POST W/ 177 COMMENTS *  –

Anonymous 7 pm said… Hi Smilemoon, I do not know many desi singles in the small town I live in but I am soon moving to Boston and I had a couple of questions as I am very oblivious to the desi dating scene in big cities(your blog has been tremendously helpful in providing me some insight, thank you). Hopefully, you or the visitors on this blog can clear up some puzzling questions I have.
1. Are desi guys in their late 20’s and early 30’s serious about marriage?
2. Do desi guys expect their wife to be ‘pure’ when they get married? What about the other way around?
3. Do most desi girls have sex (with the one they want to marry) before marriage or hold off until after they’re married?
4. Are desi guys controlling and abusive?
5. Do they hold traditional views when it comes to the role the wife and the husband should play within a marriage?
I’d really appreciate any insight I can get. Thank you.

Vijay Mehta M.D. said… Hello Anonymous at 7 PM. While you are waiting for Smile moon to answer let me tell you what I have found
1. Desi guys in late 20’s and early 30’s are ‘by and large’ not too concerned about getting married. They feel there are enough choices out there so some perfect woman is going to come by. Many of them think why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
2. At one of the youth convention (200+) I spoke and at Net IP (500+)I asked the audience directly, how many of you want a virgin wife and not a single hand went up. Of course I think there were about 10% or so who might have wanted to say ‘yes’ but felt too embarrassed to speak up.
3. I think vast majority of Desi women have had sex prior to marriage.
4 Both desi guys and gals are controlling – obsessive – and abusive. In my generation that honor mainly went to men now with equal rights of women situation is lot more complicated.
5. Role of wife and husband varies from one group to the other. In some very orthodox family and if the grooms parents are living with them there is a lot of pressure on woman to play traditional role.
Good luck with your social life in Boston. It is a dog eat dog world out there.

Smile Moon said… oh wow, that’s what i call “the secret” phenomenon – ask the universe/will it to be true – & you shall receive. i thought to myself “universe (actually, “hai ram” – not b/c i’m religious but in a *gulp*, omg, please do not make me answer this kind of way), please let vijay uncle take this one.” & without my ever having to ask him, he did. thanks universe (& uncle) 😀

i can definitely say though that i 100% agree with uncle on everything he said. being desi in america is a very interesting phenomenon… the vast majority of us were born & raised here, experienced liking boys/girls when others did (in our TEENS – like ALL people in this universe pretty much do), things like going to prom, the undergrad experience & dating since then in a completely in-line way as our non-desi counterparts. however, i cannot imagine that a 20-30-something old white girl would ever have to ask questions #2-5.
like i’ve said before this is the challenge with our desi expectations of getting what our parents got back in the day from their arranged marriages (2 “pure” partners who line up with each other in every cultural, religious & other category) co-existing with our present day desire to FALL in love & not be forced into a marriage.   more in a second…

Anonymous said… Divorce and affairs are at an all time high in the desi community. I think you should blog on that too. These seemingly perfect marriages have a lot more going on behind closed doors.