2018 Relaunch 9-years-after-this-post edit: Present day me does not relate to this post at all, and I so desperately wish I could go back in time and talk to this person – 30-year-old me – who felt this deep longing (perhaps even desperation) to be “settled” and had decided that certain checkmark criteria things that the masses do are the measure of a good life. At this juncture in my life (& I have no crystal ball to tell you about the future), I have no desire to be dating/in a relationship/with a life partner/married or have kids. For the first time (& after 20+ years of caring so much about this as the “end-all-be-all” life goal), I don’t care at all and am fully engaged in a relationship with myself. I love my own company, feel no lack, and – accordingly – feel complete and whole on my own; it is an absolutely revolutionary feeling and I wish I could have known it in my 20’s.
Although I will likely be perceived as “backward, not with the times, old school” or something along those lines, the other day I was having a conversation with my dad about the whole not-being-married sitchu & I told him (in all seriousness), that “it’s great to be in America… I appreciate all he did to get here, and I feel blessed for the life that I have. However, I often feel like I was meant to be raised in India not only because I am a fob (a big one!) at heart, but at the end of the day in spite of all the opportunities, success and lifestyle, my big goal in life has always been to have a happy family life – not become CEO of a company, a manager to many or anything particular when it comes to professional success.
Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with that, and I do appreciate my job and career, but what I do for a living is far from my personal end-all-be-all (meaning that when I look back at my life one day, the last thing I will likely be reflecting back on is how many promotions I got or how many people worked under me). & Although some would say otherwise and sure, scientifically I agree, but socially (& I believe for a million other reasons) to have kids in that “happy family,” I need to be married.
I seriously think it’s something that parents from the motherland should consider before choosing to come over and settle their families here. Sure, their kids will likely have tremendous success when it comes to education & their careers, but they should be prepared for the fact that getting married is nothing like it is over there & that their children will likely endure several failed relationships, and when they do finally get married, it will most probably be way later in life and in some cases, not at all. & then, even though they will not because our parents certainly are not blaming themselves, they should take some personal responsibility that they had a hand in the delay. As for the “not at all,” that’s not me being negative, but realistic; as time passes – due to our own choosing or just not finding someone – the pool becomes smaller & smaller & naturally, some of us will be left solo for the rest of our lives. & I know that’s not necessarily the worst thing and some people will be angry at me for implying anything of the sort, but I can just say personally that that’s not what I want for myself.
That’s why when I visit India and see that even my most educated and successful cousins/nephews/nieces (you know in India, it’s totally normal to have nephews/nieces who are your age or older! :-P) are all married (& most with babies) by their mid-20s, I cannot help but feel a pang of “oh man, I wish life was like this stateside.” Everyone in India is looking for financial success so that it affords them security (& sure some “name, fame, etc.”), but here something else is going on; we are more on the path of looking to have 4 degrees & rule the world (a gross exaggeration but you know what I mean). In India, a girl completing her medical degree (I understand the process isn’t as convoluted or long as it is here), a guy who is moving up the professional ladder, essentially anyone, will still have marriage and settling down as a top priority much sooner in life.
It is funny because ever since my first trip back to India (after a 9-year hiatus) when I was 23, I have made a few more trips…. From that first trip to the most recent one, there was extreme shock in my family that I was not married and did not have any potential suitors. They told me they could easily find me someone there… Err… I probably should’ve taken them up on it! Just kidding, I could never (however, I know more than a handful of guys who have easily gone this route – to be discussed later). I have even had my young 15-year old nephews send me e-mails like “Dear Bua, kya aapki shaadi abhi thak nahin hui? (forgive my spelling), but that translates to “Dear Bua, (omigod) are you still not married yet….?” and other cousins call me and tell me that “I really should settle down” (sure, because this is something I was choosing not to do until you gave me the great idea :-P) At this point, if I visit India before I am married it will be for a tour-de-India & not to see the fam; with turning 30, I could not take the horror they would feel & express over still not being married.
On the opposite side of the spectrum, in America, it’s pretty much taboo to say that you “want to be married.”
Well, if you’re a girl that is and if you’re a guy it’s all “aweee, how sweet” and such. In India, no one would blink if a guy or girl in their early-to-mid 20’s said that they wanted to be married & have kids.” No one would go running. No one would be called a “psycho.” Here, it is not okay to say you want to get married or have kids, but then when you are and do, it is like you seem to believe (& so does the whole community) that you have just accomplished the greatest thing in life – it’s all kinds of messed & mixed up if you ask me….
Well, that’s all from me for today, but I’d love to hear what people think or if anyone wants to start a new post for discussion, that’d be great!
Write soon,
COMMENTS FROM ORIGINAL POST:
Me: & just to clarify (b/c I have already had a few friends contact me) I am not saying that marriage is the “end all be all” either or that I want to be married for the sake of saying I am. I want to live my life with purpose, fulfillment & love; I just know that for me, a big part of the 1st 2 parts will come from raising kids, having a family, etc. Nor am I someone who is so traditional – I just wish things were a little simpler & less confusing – that’s all…
Preet: i found your blog a fresh of breath air. you have written what seems to be hanging in the air. it seems to be very uncool to admit one wants to be married. i actually just deleted a lot of what i wrote. smilemoon.. do not back down from your thoughts… they are real. there are a lot of people who agree with you and you may just bring about a lot of change. look forward to reading more…
Anonymous: I know I am late coming to your blog, but I just want to say I love it and especially how you wrote this post. Thanks for breaking the ice for so many of us…I think it’s really important we as a community engage in this discussion overall generation/cultural/gender barriers. Thanks for having the courage to express what we’re all thinking anyway 🙂
Me commenting a year plus later… It’s funny that I felt so strongly about not going to India before I got married, because I managed to spend a third of 2010 in the Motherland and most of my time was spent with my family. I love how looking back at old posts is teaching me that when you emphatically say you will not do something, the world seems to go out of its way to make that very thing happen. 😛
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